This is the song with which our teacher usually starts tap-dance class. If you only knew how much fun it gives us! It creates a wonderful mood, even if we'vealready had five hours of hard training!
Frankly speaking, I'm not very good at tap dancing. Unfortunately, I'm not even as good as I'd like to be!
What is worse, I feel tired! Not because of the trainings themselves, no. I'm tired because I'm not making progress. Of course, I can't just give up dancing. Too much energy has already been exerted and too much time spentso far just to get to where I am today. I have to go further... I will go further.
These past few days I missed some of my trainings. I missed them because of my weakness... because of this stupid depression. "If you want to, you can! " I remember this, yes,but I still need to share my feelings. So I allow myself to fall into depression as a way toreflect on my feelings and worries... and then I make myself get up and come forvard. I will go tomorrow, but today I'll have my last "depression day ". I want to cry, or perhaps to brake something. I want to scream out loud.
I do not do this, however, for just one reason: I have no right to do this. My teachers believe I can dance and my friends believe I can dance. That means that I have to dance as great as I can. I remember this song, "Who Let the Dog Out?", and smile. And I smile even when I'm feeling blue... like today.
Dancing is difficult work. It's difficult for the body, and even more difficult for the soul... especialy when something goes wrong. In addition, I'm always afraid that I'm not doing as much as I could do. Three hours a day... five hours a day... it never seems enough. I don't understand how other people manage to live with .that.
I wish I had somene who could understand me.
P.S. Of course I realize that there are many more horrible things in life. Someone dies every day, someone loses relatives, someone brakes his legs or arms. I realize also that I should be happy because of my health, myopportunities for study, my ability to dance, and because I have suchwonderful friends. And I am really happy about all these things... and grateful for them as well. But at the same time, I'm feeling something like a dark icyabyss lurking at the bottom of my soul. I cannot explain how I cancontain such contradictory feelings within myself at the same time... but that is my reality.
Sometimes, I just wish I could live without feelings... especially after I've failed miserably, oragain spoiled something. For God's sake, when will I stop making all those stupid mistakes during performances?!!!!
Who let the dog out?.....